RAMBLINGS...EDITED..

Haven't written in a while. I don't write when I feel insecure, down, worthless, or angry. This year has been tough so far. I usually start out the year with the optimal optimism, however, not this year. I got in an accident the day before Christmas..it was my fault...then, in January, I fell at roller derby practice and herniated three discs in my lower back. February comes and I find myself being treated for thyroid nodules. So, here are my thoughts. If you know me, throw me a bone here...why do I do these things? When I start something new, (IE: Roller Derby, Church, cooking for people, small groups) and I enjoy it, I love it, I felt led by the Holy Spirit even,and I think I might be really good at it, I totally sabotage myself and over think what I am doing. What people are thinking, that I CAN'T do what I am doing. For example, with Roller Derby, I was stoked, excited, pumped, thought I could do anything, and then I got in an accident, wasn't able to skate or go to practice either because I was in so much pain. So, when I finally do go back, I hear someone talking in the bathroom that I shouldn't be in the team picture because I have only skated three times. So, what do I do? I "shrink"..I think everyone thinks I am a looser, and that I don't have what it takes. I am fat, lazy, out of shape, an not "worthy" of being part of the Quad City Rollers, although I have brought people to the team, I have sold tickets, and I have been a supporter in the team. Now, since I fell at derby practice, I can't even skate, and each practice I miss, the lower my desire gets to skate. Maybe I will hurt myself, maybe I would suck.. Now, roller derby...let me just tell ya...as excited I am about it, I am terrified. The fall that made my head bounce three times off the floor (thank god for helmets) really scared me. I can't tell you how different it is skating and falling as a fat chick. It is horrible. I guess I just wonder if I can even do it. Maybe I won't skate this season. Maybe next...I really love being a part of something, it makes me feel alive... I am probably the "largest" marge on the team. That sucks, and I compare myself to them. I guess I am going to have to fight myself and stick with it. I might just surprise myself. Ya know, when I was younger, I would fight against anything, and anyone to show I was good at something, that I WAS someone, now, I don't feel as though I should fight...I usually feel as though I am NOTHING. Somtimes, I feel as though my life is already over. My dreams will never come true, I know they say what the Lord puts in you, he will see it through..But, I am so exhausted from fighting when I was younger, I don't have it in me anymore. I used to be pretty, thin, adventureous, and even though I was so insecure about so many things, I still fought. I fought for what was right. BUT, I always had to have a boyfriend, and most of them I became what they wanted me to be...but..I had this one boyfriend who didn't want me to "comply" and be who he wanted me to be...at first anyway...he was my first love. We had such a co-dependant relationship,I can see that now, and we were both screwed up, came from roller coaster pasts. He wasn't loved by his mother the way he needed to be, I wasn't loved by my father the way I needed to be and well...we didn't know how to love eachother or ourselves correctly. So scared of being hurt, we still hurt each other, others, and ourselves. So we fought for our own futures with breakups, mean words, and we quit. Well, I quit..I didn't really want to... Looking back, that was the first time I really quit something as an adult that I really didn't want to quit, but I knew it was for the better.For both of us. Now, jump ahead to my marriage...Sometimes I feel bad for my husband, Brad. He didn't sign up to "marry a fatty"...I am so blessed to have him...Brad is the only thing I have never really quit..and he has never, EVER quit me...not when I gained weight, not when I got depressed, and still not now. My marriage is great it has had some ups and downs. Something I thought would never last this long is going on it's 10th year. So, I guess I am proud that I haven't quit Brad. :0) This year I am turning 35...I haven't ever been so "bummed" about a birthday, but this one...it takes the cake! LOL! It is unusual to think I will be 35 years old. I am NO WHERE CLOSE to where I thought I would be, where I drempt I would be. But, I am sure everyone feels this way. Well, They say 40 is the new 30, so maybe I will enjoy the next 5 years. It is my choice to make. Brad just turned 38, he is sexier than ever. His eyes, his lips, his salt/pepper hair, his shoulders, the way he holds me, and the way he kisses. If they could bottle his kisses...HE WOULD BE RICH! I hope this next year I can start standing on the Lord's promises. I need to search for the adventures HE wants me to take. I will always fall short in my dreams, but with the Lords help, HIS will always comes to fruition. Lord, please help me, heal me, guide me, and protect my marriage, family, and friends.